Marriage On the Rock 25th Anniversary by Jimmy Evans

Author:Jimmy Evans [Evans, Jimmy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: XO Publishing

The Enabler

I first met Natalie when she came into my office for counseling. It wasn’t really marriage counseling, because her divorce was final on the Tuesday before our session. However, she came seeking counsel concerning some hurts and fears in her life, wondering how she should deal with them.

While Natalie was kind, she obviously was a very wounded person, for part of Natalie’s problem was a history of abuse. Her alcoholic father had sexually and emotionally abused her all of her life, and it was still going on. The last time she visited her parents’ home, her father had tried to fondle her.

Because of that early life situation, Natalie had a history of problem marriages. This was her third divorce. She was not only wrestling with the hurts her father had dealt her, but she was also dealing with a string of failed relationships and the heavy toll they had taken on her life.

As she related the details of her past, Natalie first described the kind of man her father was—he had a good side to him that many people never saw, and she really loved him. However, the things he had done to her had devastated her. Although she had tried to forgive him, it was difficult to forget.

I inquired about her husbands, beginning with the first one. Her story sounded like a broken record. Her description of each husband sounded like her description of her father. While one would think a woman like Natalie would find a man totally unlike her father, the opposite was true. Natalie was an enabler. She had been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by men all of her life. Even more tragic, she had allowed it to happen—at least the abuse in her marriages.

Surely you have noticed women like Natalie. They are the salt of the earth themselves, but they are attracted to destructive men with problems. But why? Why would any woman naturally gravitate to a bad man or want to place herself in a dependent position to an undependable man? Why do some women seem to be magnets for bad men?

Before listing the contributing causes for the enabling woman, let’s define the term “enabler.”

When a person allows a loved one to behave in a destructive manner, they are “enabling” the other person to be what he or she is. Worse still, enabling occurs when a person provides the resources or atmosphere necessary to promote destructive behavior in another person. Therefore, any time one allows or provides for the destructive behavior of a person in one’s family or of someone close, one is an enabler.

The opposite of an enabler is a person who refuses to watch another person self-destruct. They refuse to allow it or aid it. They also stand up to abuse toward themselves or others. The next chapter will deal with the issue of wife abuse and the right response to it.

The following influences create the enabling personality, but there are appropriate responses to overcome each of them.

1. Low Self-esteem

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